Lots has happened since I last posted.  I've moved to DC, moved in with my bf.  He's been amazing, though as you know relationships especially with me are a little more complicated than most.  On a sad note, my dad has recently been diagnosed with a pretty aggressive cancer.  Was recently out in Minnesota visiting him, taking care of him and seeing the family for a little while.  That's been a bit challenging...to say the least, I've wanted to use symptoms more than I have in a long time.  When I moved, I wanted to start completely new and it was a lot harder this time than it has been previously.  I had gotten attached to certain people before I left, I had a reliable job, but I took a leap of faith and came here.  No new job yet...going more than a bit stir-crazy.  Worried about money.  I think the lack of structure and much of any certainty is taking a toll on me and therefore, how I am in my relationship.  I feel almost like I don't have goals anymore, which is so insanely unlike me...I need to get something going ASAP.

7.14.11


Last week, I moved to VA to move in with my bf.  Awesome step, I'm excited about it.  I'm finding myself going a little stir-crazy not having a job yet, but I've been looking fairly actively and had a couple interviews.  Life as a couple is good, but we're running into some walls with communication, mostly from my end.  So much of what I feel is this tangled mess in my head and I find it hard to decipher myself, let alone tell someone else about it.  And I'm finding that as much as I hate it, I do get more nervous about people when they get closer to me.  It's harder for me to open up to you when I know you, which makes relationships a little complicated.

Realizing that emotions come in waves for me and I'm often either flooded with them or it's hard to access them at all, in either case it's difficult to communicate about what's going on in different ways.  When faced with the former, it's like my limbic system is on overdrive and I'm so right-brained that my left, the verbal and logical, is almost out of commission, and if I venture towards that side, I fear losing touch with the emotional.  

This is a video I made a while ago, thought it would be nice to share.  :)

i just had one of the best weeks in terms of life experience (went to Ireland, yay!) and one of the most disheartening weeks in terms of realizations.  i went to Ireland with my boyfriend and 2 other people and we had the BEST time- castles and pubs and everyone was nice and there were more shoe stores than i've ever seen in one place before in my entire life!  it was awesome.  however, i realized how much of a hold my ED still has on me...how susceptible i still am to its grasp...how hard it is to escape and how easy it is for it to creep back in.  out of nowhere.  makes me wonder if i'll ever truly be free of it.  and memories.  i thought trauma work didn't matter, that i could live in the present if i wanted it bad enough and it didn't have to interfere.  and then the night falls, i can't see, i feel movement, threatening even though i know it's okay now, my heart won't stop racing, my body is so used to it i don't even feel the adrenaline, tears overflow from my eyes and emotions locked away refuse to be kept any longer.  ...it's good but it sucks.  it's technically good that i'm feeling, and this happens when i get close to someone this way...but god...i can hardly explain any of it without telling a story that would take a week to begin.  And no one wants to hear that stuff, I don't want to be the person causing drama, and honestly i think what i most fear is telling someone and then them staring at me and wondering why the hell i can't get over it and what my problem is.  i have a hard enough time trusting my own feelings and reactions and realizing that they're valid, and if someone else does that, i can't always deal with it...i feel like i'm regressing in progress...if that makes any sense at all.  i don't know if this post makes any sense at all...but i wanted to write.  more later.

confused...

Since I made this, I haven't had much impetus to write...for the past year and a half, I haven't had much impetus to write. 

Today the thought crossed my mind that I want nothing to do with the ED world anymore.  Nothing.  I even returned Crystal Renn's book to Barnes & Noble, which is supposed to be about accepting yourself, etc, but for some reason, the fact that it started out as an anorexia story is what made me want to bring it back.  I don't want anything around reminding me of that- there's enough in my own head.  Anything external at this point really just annoys me and draws me back toward a road that I don't want to be on anymore- that I choose not to be on.  Her story is inspirational, I'm sure, and I do feel in a way like I'm not supportive by saying this, but I don't want to read about it right now.  I don't want anything to do with that world right now.  3 years ago, this thought would have been wrong, sacrilegious even.  To cast aside what got me through so many times for years?

I just want to be me right now.  Not me with an ED.  Or me in recovery from an ED.  Just me. 

Granted, I'm not doing perfectly in recovery at this moment, however, I do think that- all things considered-  I'm handling my life and balancing pretty well.

Test post.