This is a video I made a while ago, thought it would be nice to share.  :)

i just had one of the best weeks in terms of life experience (went to Ireland, yay!) and one of the most disheartening weeks in terms of realizations.  i went to Ireland with my boyfriend and 2 other people and we had the BEST time- castles and pubs and everyone was nice and there were more shoe stores than i've ever seen in one place before in my entire life!  it was awesome.  however, i realized how much of a hold my ED still has on me...how susceptible i still am to its grasp...how hard it is to escape and how easy it is for it to creep back in.  out of nowhere.  makes me wonder if i'll ever truly be free of it.  and memories.  i thought trauma work didn't matter, that i could live in the present if i wanted it bad enough and it didn't have to interfere.  and then the night falls, i can't see, i feel movement, threatening even though i know it's okay now, my heart won't stop racing, my body is so used to it i don't even feel the adrenaline, tears overflow from my eyes and emotions locked away refuse to be kept any longer.  ...it's good but it sucks.  it's technically good that i'm feeling, and this happens when i get close to someone this way...but god...i can hardly explain any of it without telling a story that would take a week to begin.  And no one wants to hear that stuff, I don't want to be the person causing drama, and honestly i think what i most fear is telling someone and then them staring at me and wondering why the hell i can't get over it and what my problem is.  i have a hard enough time trusting my own feelings and reactions and realizing that they're valid, and if someone else does that, i can't always deal with it...i feel like i'm regressing in progress...if that makes any sense at all.  i don't know if this post makes any sense at all...but i wanted to write.  more later.

confused...

Since I made this, I haven't had much impetus to write...for the past year and a half, I haven't had much impetus to write. 

Today the thought crossed my mind that I want nothing to do with the ED world anymore.  Nothing.  I even returned Crystal Renn's book to Barnes & Noble, which is supposed to be about accepting yourself, etc, but for some reason, the fact that it started out as an anorexia story is what made me want to bring it back.  I don't want anything around reminding me of that- there's enough in my own head.  Anything external at this point really just annoys me and draws me back toward a road that I don't want to be on anymore- that I choose not to be on.  Her story is inspirational, I'm sure, and I do feel in a way like I'm not supportive by saying this, but I don't want to read about it right now.  I don't want anything to do with that world right now.  3 years ago, this thought would have been wrong, sacrilegious even.  To cast aside what got me through so many times for years?

I just want to be me right now.  Not me with an ED.  Or me in recovery from an ED.  Just me. 

Granted, I'm not doing perfectly in recovery at this moment, however, I do think that- all things considered-  I'm handling my life and balancing pretty well.